People in this lifestyle give a lot of lip service to "trust." I hear it all the time and understand it’s basic meaning when dealing with BDSM, but I feel it goes beyond trusting someone to not physically hurt you, and journeys into the realm of trust-worthiness.

The Webster’s dictionary definition of trustworthy is:

But what do you do to be deemed trustworthy? In essence: Don’t lie. Effective relationships between couples are much better amongst trustworthy people.

Don’t lie to make your life easier because it will eventually affect your relationships on all levels. People’s faith is fragile, once it’s broken it’s hard to restore. If you are caught in even one lie, or a promise you can’t follow through on, your basic credibility will be low and everything you promise is suspect - - thereby damaging the quality of your time with others. Even if you keep your word nine times out of ten, others will remember that one time you didn’t follow through and wonder when you’ll disappoint them again.

Some of this has to do with high expectations. I have been constantly disappointed with people in the past, and was starting to feel as if I should just drop having any expectations (acting the martyr). However, when I took this issue to my friend MasterGra, his response was:

Everyone has expectations of outcome; it’s not unusual to want the best. The trick is to look at the person who’s disappointing you, and measure whether you were actually seeing him/her clearly. Once you’ve established they are simply being what they have always been, you’re free to let go the pain and move on to someone more dependable. On the average, people simply don’t change a lifetime of habits. If you are clear in your mind about your own expectations for the relationship, just have fun.

But for some people, temptation is hard to resist when given free reign. The honorable person won’t take advantage of your faith in them, but there’s always that one who will try. For this reason, it’s just as bad to overload trust on people. For example, who’s to blame for money missing from your wallet when you left it on the kitchen counter? You, or the thief? Believe it or not, both of you. Most of us know to conduct our lives with a modicum of precaution, because that precaution keeps opportunities for violating trust to a minimum. The point is to live life with intelligent skepticism: Trust, not gullibility.

In this lifestyle, word gets around fast when someone is less than honorable. For example:

I was introduced to a man at a "scene" social who showed interest in getting to know me. When he sent me an email the following day I was thrilled, because for the few minutes we had talked I was attracted and felt there was chemistry. What I didn’t know is that he had also accepted the service of a friend of mine, the same night he met me. He told her she was going to be his only one. He told me he had no other submissives. He didn’t realize she and I would talk. He destroyed his credibility with probably all of the submissives at the local scene because each of us are connected enough to have an information network. Such a shame.

Most people see themselves as more trustworthy than others do. We have a tendency to let ourselves off the hook more readily - - of course, we know we made that white lie with all good intentions! Why can’t others see that? Because justice is blind.

But let me give you an idea of a D/s relationship that DOES work.

MasterGra and Jamirra go to many of the socials and play parties together, and I’ve watched them play with others as a team. They also play privately with other submissives, including myself. Why is this not creating a problem in their relationship? Because they talk everything out openly and honestly. They have what’s called, "Reality Checks" the morning after each session, and frequently beforehand with their play friends. I’m sure occasionally the issue is pretty intense, but they do this as a matter of course - - lying is NOT an option. Lying would undermine everything they have been trying to achieve in the first place, and their confidence in each other would cease to exist. I respect them for this, even as I’m jealous as hell! (Laughing)

Society itself is rife with ‘trust controls’ like, collateral on loans, or your Mother’s maiden name on signature cards. Unfortunately trustworthiness is an area where we need to police OURSELVES. If we don’t, valued relationships disappear from our lives. We can develop integrity by taking our promises seriously and trying to fulfill them. Try to be on time for dates, remember to bring that special toy you’ve promised, call when you say you will.

Live your life with honor. If you know ahead of time something isn’t going to work out, make the effort to let your partner know. Generally if you honestly admit, explain, apologize, and offer to do whatever it takes to compensate for the broken commitment BEFORE you are caught, things will go more smoothly in your life.

I hear some of you argue that telling the truth at all times is impossible.

I’m not concerned with intrinsic lies like telling your mother-in-law you like her hat, when you don’t. The significant lies are the ones that save US discomfort, but are land mines down the road silently waiting, until our partner steps on them.

I’m sorry there are no easy paths to trustworthiness; everything good in our lives takes effort. If life were easy, we wouldn’t appreciate it as much.

These photos are the property of, and copyrighted by, Rose.