It's hard for me to give advice on something this important, because even the best advice might fail, depending on the personality of the lady.  However, many of you have emailed this question to me, so here's my opinion.  It's just the opinion of one gal; I'm not omniscient.

I've seen other websites give advice on this. Some people say: you should wait until your girlfriend completely knows you and trusts you and has said "I love you" before you mention anything unusual like bondage. I don't agree!

There's a stage during relationship development which I call the secret-sharing stage. This is the time of dating when she starts telling you very private things. Things that happened to her when she was growing up... feelings and fears she has... personal details... her background. This is the stage where the woman also expects the man to "open up" and share some of his private self too.  (It's often soon after this time period that the "I Love You"s come out.)

If the couple goes past this stage and the man still hasn't mentioned tie-up games, then when he brings it up later, she might feel like he's been "hiding something" -- and deceiving her.

So, depending on the type of lady, I think a man should either mention bondage on the first few dates (if the lady seems very liberal) or during the secret-sharing stage (if the lady seems conservative, or not very adventurous).

When you actually first mention bondage, don't use the word "bondage." For regular people, the word "bondage" refers to the workers of ancient Egypt, the bondage of the black slaves, and other horrible real-world things. Use other, happier words, like: "tied to the bed for fun" or "tie you up and kiss you" or things like that. Emphasize that you think it's sexy when all she has to do is enjoy what you do for her. If you can, mention a sexy movie scene where a couple did this for fun and pleasure.

You don't have to make a full "confession." Instead of saying that for your whole life you've thought about it and it's super-important and you think about it a lot, just suggest that she try a tie-up with you. Keep it within the framework of a single pleasuring event that you want to do for her.

If she agrees to try it once:

* Don't use a gag the first time. She will need to feel like she can talk easily, and you should be asking her how she feels, and does she like it when you touch her here, etc.

* Don't use rope the first time. Rope seems like "burglary" and "rape" to outsiders, and it won't seem romantic to her at first. Use men's ties or scarves. They're soft, comfortable items. (Don't use handcuffs, they bruise too easily.)

* Don't over-do. Go slowly. If you tie her too much the first time, she may not like it. Just tie hands, or hands and feet. (I thought about bondage for ten years before I tried it -- but when I finally tried it, I only wanted my hands tied. I was too scared to do more than that the first time.)

* Make her the center of the event -- the Princess. Do everything you can to make her feel good, emotionally (tell her she looks pretty like this, tell her she's sexy) and physically (ask her how she feels, do all the things she likes, don't come if she doesn't).

* After she's untied, ask her how she feels. The next day, ask her what she liked and disliked about the play.

If the first bondage goes well or badly, either way, then you'll be able to think about whether to talk more with her about bondage.

There's a book which contains great advice on "coming out" to your partner.  The book is about asking women to Domme, not sub.  But I don't want that to get in the way of Dom-guys encountering this excellent advice, so I've excerpted here the lines that are helpful for all fetishists.

From Getting Her Interested, by Mistress Lorelei
(She's not me! Mistress Lorelei is a Domme Lorelei.)

Consider the nature and quality of the relationship before you decide whether you should try to introduce [D/s play].  A good fantasy can't fix a rotten relationship. However, a good relationship can help make the fantasy a reality.

If you find yourself turning squeamish at the thought of telling your girlfriend, then ask yourself what you're doing in bed with her anyway.  If you can't share your deepest feelings with a woman, maybe she's not the one for you.  (If you've  never been able to share your deepest feelings with a woman, the problem may be psychological -- a fear of intimacy and of rejection, perhaps -- and therapy is your best bet.)

Dating is the best time to bring up this subject.  Couples in the first throes of love tend to be more sexually experimental, and you'll find it easier to mention casually.  ("Hey, let's try this tonight!")

If dating leads to thoughts of marriage, you absolutely must tell her, the sooner the better. Don't kid yourself that your desires will disappear.  They won't.   If you can't tell her, then you're not close enough to get married. The longer you hide your desires, the more importance the secret gains, and the tougher it becomes to tell.  If you marry your girlfriend without telling her, she may feel angry and cheated.  Few people enjoy being lied to.

If you're already married, the stakes are higher.  Marriage is a permanent commitment and should mean deep intimacy. If you tell your wife and she says you're sick, or turns away in disgust, you've just been rejected by the woman you love most.  That's going to be a deep wound.

On the other hand, assuming you have a happy marriage, your wife is (or should be) the one person who loves you most in the world and who is most closely attuned to you.  She may well be interested in exploring this new area with you.

Before you say one word, seriously consider whether the relationship itself is in a healthy state.  Get counseling if you need it.  You need to start with a clean slate and a heart full of love and respect for your partner.

Some relationships just don't work. If you're at the stage of seriously considering divorice, think long and hard about mentioning your fantasies. Having a baby doesn't usually mend a broken marriage; neither does introducing a new lifestyle.

What Not To Say

The Self-Loathing Approach: "I have a terrible secret to tell you. I'll understand if you hate me after this. Oh God, it's so disgusting. You don't have to do this if you don't want to. It's so weird, I just know you'll hate it."

The Desperate Approach: "I need this. I've been waiting for twenty years. I'll die if you don't [do this]. I have to have this from you."

The Manipulative Approach: "If you love me, you'll do it. A real woman would do what I need. I've always known you hated sex, but I thought you'd want to please me. I guess you don't care about me."

Successful Strategies

Choose the Best Time [to tell her].

Some night when you're both feeling relaxed and happy (preferably after making love), ask her about her fantasies.  Listen to them.  Then share yours. Say, "I've always thought it would be fun to..."
[or]
Share a book or story with her. Rent a movie with a D&S theme.  Exit to Eden, though a poor adaptation of the book, was designed as an introduction to D&S.

Focus on Pleasing Her.

Don't Push It.

--Excerpted from Getting Her Interested (1995) by Mistress Lorelei

Bondage lovers describe times when they told their partners

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