November 14th

Last night I put pantyhose on my legs and arms, with holes for my fingers. I taped my ankles to my thighs with PVC electrician's tape. I taped my waist and my folded legs. I taped above and below and between my breasts. I taped my arms and wrists. Finally I lowered myself onto my new dildo.

Afterward I cut my legs free because my feet were falling asleep. I looked at magazines for a while, then went to sleep.

In the middle of the night I woke up and cut off my chest bonds.

Tonight J. and a girlfriend of his came over. They looked at my bondage pictures and an issue of Bondage Life. J. found everything very amusing. The woman didn't say much. (But then, she didn't say much the entire evening.)

I went to Rocky Horror by myself again. I took my ragged leopard-print piece of cloth and taped it on my body as a dress. I wore my boots with one chain, and again arrived there in my leather coat, shades, and carrying the briefcase.

I enjoyed the movie. Afterward I was getting my car keys out of the briefcase and a guy I'd spoken to glanced over. He saw handcuffs, some rope and the PVC tape. I wonder if that gave him a surprise!

Next time I go I'm going to stop that college-age "Brad" and put the cuffs on him.

Tonight I came home and got out my twine. I latticed my body and used my vibrator. I guess the string I have is a tad too thin for latticing. I'll use it on me but it's definitely too thin to use on anyone else.

Incidentally I used the nipple clamps too. This time I put them on differently. The first time I'd tried them, I'd clamped the nub of the nipple. But this time I clamped under the nipple on the areolae. Strangely, it's more comfortable.

November 18

I won't be seeing a copy of the November Bondage Life for a while. Harmon sent me a note wanting to know what to call me "for editorial purposes." I talked to him on the phone this week and he asked me again; I said "Paws" was fine. Apparently he's making some sort of comment about me in the February "Tielines"? What a long time for me to wait to satisfy my curiosity. I wonder what he's written.

(Footnote: Harmon called again later and rejected my nickname "Paws," so I suggested the initials "Ki.")

Chaz has suggested that we share a bondage experience; he feels it would heighten things for me. I expressed my doubts (on trusting or letting go, not doubts about it heightening things) and he said "You could give me instructions on how to tie you." I agreed that would help me feel like I was in control of the situation. Maybe we will do it. I'm not sure yet. I have to think about it for a while.

He was over on Monday night and again came before I could... this time I had trouble getting revved up anyway. I hope I'm not backsliding after losing my Vacation Zing. Or something. Maybe I was distracted by the movie. Chaz brought his VCR and an adult movie.

Date Unknown this year -- an attempted, unfinished essay

Profile of a Female Bondage Fetishist

The desire to be owned, taken, or given inescapable pleasure through bondage is often a seed sown by society's messages. It does not need to be bred by a strict religious upbringing or a morally conservative family. I grew up in a relaxed, nonjudgmental family. But a girl growing up sees messages all around that it is her responsibility, during sexual activity, to protect herself from pregnancy and social stigma ("slut") by inhibiting the activities and arousal of her partner and of herself. During early sexual activities I was often even more excited than my partner, but it remained my job to say how far and how much. Thus I exerted control over my own desire. Boys that age were learning the role of "coaxing" me to give my body over to my sensations and to him. Like many girls, I had to resist, which was torturous.

Like many women, I now find it's not easy to relax and open up to arousal. It's easier if a man takes control and coaxes me into giving my passion into his possession. Bondage allows me to play this role. It also helps me block out distraction and focus on sensation -- mental abilities sometimes difficult in a non-bondage moment. (This relaxation applies for any bondage, whether sexual, meditational, or playful.)

Where are all the female bondage fetishists?

I don't know, but I'm one of them. It's very isolating, even though I feel a connection to the Love Bondagers in Harmony publications. The readership is 95% or so male... where are the women?

When was I "born" as a bondage fetishist?

There are multitudes of bondagers' biographies describing how they initiated a woman into an enjoyable bondage relationship. Are female bondage fetishists "made," not "born"?

If you consult references like The Hite Report and Nancy Friday's Secret Garden, you'll find the "rape" fantasy is very common. This fact is pushed under by concerned feminists who fear (accurately) that society hasn't the sense to distinguish between actual rape and "rape" fantasy. The deliberate mental orchestration of a scenario which excites a fantasizing woman in no way resembles the fearful, uncontrolled, chaotic, violent act of rape -- yet the population still misinterprets and stigmatizes "rape" fantasy.

Bondage is symbolic of these desires: the need to cast off responsibility, to be possessed by a desiring partner, to be possessed by desire. If you wonder whether female bondage fetishists are "born," or "made" by a partner, I'd say we're born. The need is there, waiting to be tapped. It just usually takes a helper for us to recognize it, and to understand Love Bondage's mechanisms.

Why don't female bondage fetishists come out of their closets?

Society tends to view bondage as an accessory to rape. Aside from the larger problems this prevailing view causes, it also causes serious problems on the personal level. Suggesting bondage to a partner risks engaging images of violation and sadomasochism. I pity the man who agonizes whether to discuss bondage with his girlfriend, but I pity a bondagette even more. Not only might she be misinterpreted by her confidante, but she also risks that someone will misunderstand and be stimulated by a desire to rape. I am acutely aware of the potential dangers when deciding I trust someone enough to share this secret interest.